Going on a Retreat to WSS

I'm going on a women's retreat with Officers Christian Fellowship & Women of the Chapel (on base) at White Sulfur Springs in PA. I don't want to go but am going out of obedience. I won't know anyone except Sheri Braddy. I'm not even sure if the Lord wants me to go. Everything is chaotic...especially with the kids...lots of arguing, hitting & fighting. I feel like Solomon in Ecclesiastes when he says that everything is meaningless. I know that is true without Christ in your life, but right now, I can't find Him. The fog is too thick, & the enemy's lies are too loud. I am doubting my salvation big time. "Why would God want to choose me?" I know that none of us deserve it, but I really, really feel like I don't deserve it so why would He want me? The meds work some of the time. The nighttime meds aren't working all night long. Pray that the doc can give me something today so I can get some good rest. Please pray that I find Christ this weekend...especially if I am not really saved.

I am going to the gastro this morning for a check up so please pray that he can help my very sluggish GI system...that really, really bothers me & causes me great concern & at times, anxiety. I have no desire to eat, & when I do eat, I force myself & cannot eat very much at all.

Desperately seeking Him...love,
Stephanie<><
PS...Sorry that my thoughts are all over the place...that's just the way my brain is working right now.

Doctor Appointment Update

I just wanted to update my special prayer warriors to let you know that the psychiatrist diagnosed me with (post surgical) severe clinical depression today. He changed my meds & said it would take some time for things to feel better & that I just needed to hang in there. He also told me that I'd be on the medication for at least a year before being weaned off.

I am having trouble grasping his diagnosis. It doesn't make sense to me, & I don't understand why I'm having to go through another hurdle. I do not like the way I'm feeling on the inside. It's hard to describe. I just know that it feels very yucky, & I don't like it 1 bit. Please pray for me as I patiently wait for things to get better.

I feel like I am living Solomon's words in Ecclesiastes...meaningless, meaningless...everything seems to be meaningless. I know this isn't true, but that doesn't change how I feel on the inside. The counselor told me yesterday, that I'm already doing the things she tells her patients to do to help mental healing...I'm volunteering & getting out & about. I just need things to get back into whack.

Thank you in advance for your prayers.

Stephanie<><

Looking for Praises

I am trying to focus on the Lord & not the negative things concerning my circumstances & have come up with a list of praises for today:

1. all the songs on the Christian station are about my situation (or so it seems)
2. I found $20 in a birthday card from when I was in New Orleans last summer for my cousin's wedding (from my brother's in-laws)
3. I came across 31 Days to Praise that my friend Sara gave me back in December of 1999. I am reading it again.
4. After reading my email, my friend Amy called me & invited me out with her mentor Sheri to go get something to drink. This was just after I cried out to God for help (again). I thought it would be my mom calling, but it wasn't.
5. My friend Marisa invited me to come over sometime & play games.
6. I am going on a retreat this weekend (even if I don't feel like it) with a new sister-in-Christ named Kim.

Please continue to pray for a breakthrough of some sort(s).
Love,
Stephanie<><

Urgent Prayer Request

OK…once again, I am at it…I feel like all I do is ask for prayer; however, please pray for me…I am slipping back into the pit & it’s a struggle to not fall in. Matt came home & took me to a psychologist today who ended up being a Christian. I also have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow to regulate the meds I am taking so that I get some chemical relief from this depression I seem to be in. I am still not hungry & am forcing myself to eat. I do not like feeling this way. I don’t know why this is happening nor do I understand it. Please, please, please pray for me.

Thank you.

Love,
Stephanie
PS…to God be the glory…I am relying on Him.

Praise the Lord!

As we say in TX, “Yee-haw & PRAISE THE LORD!!” (I know, I know, we don’t live in TX anymore, but my heart is definitely there…my body wishes it was as warm here as it is there.)

I just wanted to let you know that my appointments went incredibly well. My stomach immediately began to empty after drinking the barium…no doubt about it. I was finished with the x-ray in less than 5 minutes! Based on this, Dr Cameron released me back to my gastro Dr Brown…no more trips to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. The home health nurse removed my PICC line this evening!!…another HUGE praise. I can’t wait to have a silent night’s sleep as well as a real shower in the morning. It’ll be nice to regain 12 hrs each day & return to normal nighttime activities like cell group & Awana at Mt Ararat & Sunday youth group at New Life.

Please pray that my hunger returns & that my stomach expands some soon. It’s hard to think about cooking when you’re not hungry at all. It’s been a major source of stress for me that I hope goes away soon.

Of course, today didn’t happen without the normal hiccups. The Goodings were supposed to watch the kids today, but Elaine got a stomach bug yesterday afternoon so they couldn’t take the kids. However, I quickly called my friend Sarah Dahl & she came over with her daughter Lizzie to watch the kids. They baked cookies, playground hopped for 4 hrs & came inside just in time to avoid a downpour. It all worked out perfectly...divinely arranged of course.

Thank you so very much for your prayers, encouragement, emails, phone calls…basically all your love & support. It is very much appreciated.

Love,
Stephanie

Update for Saturday 02/16

My PCM changed my meds, & I’ve slept all night long the last 2 nights…I feel like a new woman! It’s amazing what more than 4 hours of sleep can do for you. I had a busy day yesterday volunteering in Cassidy’s class for a little over an hour, getting my haircut (best one in years!) & shopping for the kids & Nolan (my new nephew).

I go back to Dr Cameron in Baltimore on Monday…what a way to spend Matt’s day off. The Goodings are taking the kids for the day so we don’t have to take them with us (Praise the Lord!). I have an upper GI (drinking chalk/barium) at 11 to test my stomach’s emptying & then my appointment with the doc is at 2pm. My stomach is emptying properly as far as I can tell. I’m eating & drinking a lot more than I was, but I don’t get hungry b/c of the TPN…my body is getting all it needs via IV so it doesn’t feel the need to be hungry. (So, basically when I eat, it's b/c I'm forcing myself to eat...I have no desire to do so.) Please pray that it empties the way Dr Cameron wants it to so I can get off the TPN, return to a normal diet & get my PICC line removed (& take a REAL shower).

The kids are doing fine in school & may attend next year as well. Caelan is receiving about an hour & 15 min each day of special ed services to help him catch up with his academic delays. Cassidy is learning to be patient, wait & take turns. She enjoys going to art classes. It’s certainly easier on me not teaching 2 kids reading & phonics. I am happy that they’re doing just fine in their new environment.

Also, for those of you who are family or family-friends & haven’t heard. Michael & Kim officially became parents on the 13th. Nolan Michael Pertuit was born via c-section. He weighed in at 8lbs 6.5ozs & about 20” long. Both sets of grandparents are in Dallas right now enjoying the precious new bundle of joy. All are doing just fine & should get to go home tomorrow. Michael created a web-page complete with pix that you can check out a www.pertuit.org. More pix are in the gallery at www.pertuit.org/pics/index.php. You should check out the new parents…they’re so cute!

Anyway, thanks for your prayers & encouragement. I pray that all is well with you & yours.

Love,
Stephanie<><

One last note: Happy Birthday, Mom!

Depression?

I just wanted to make a quick prayer request. My PCM is currently treating me for what she thinks is depression related to surgery & probably exacerbated by being home by myself since the kids are now in school. Please pray for me to snap out of it &/or for the medication to work. Also pray for me to sleep the whole night through…at least more than 4 hours or so. I praise God for my wonderful husband who is taking care of everything as I’m now trying to heal emotionally.

Thank you in advance.

Love in Christ,
Stephanie<><